afeature, marriage

Does God Promise You a Spouse?

Does God promise you a spouse in the Bible?

...that was the question that Rob Eagar over at thelife.com proposed recently.  His post tried to answer this question in the affirmative.   Many evangelicals through the years have often painted a picture that God promises a spouse to all believers.  Except there is one problem, no where in scripture does God make this promise.

Eagar said:

Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.

This type of theology has created a generation of frustrated Christian singles.  No where in scripture does God promise a wife or husband to a believer on the sole basis that they are a Christian.   Christians are not the spiritual bride of Christ.  The spiritual bride of Christ is the Church (ecclesia).  Some would say Christians make up the church, thus Christ is our bride.  Maybe (that is pretty loose theology), but not in the erotic sense.  However, scripture is clear where we get this “bridal theology” from, such as  Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Here, Paul speaks about the love that exists between a husband and wife and mirrors that love in non-erotic language (Paul uses agapate to describe this love) to describe the relationship between the Church and Jesus.  Agnieszka Tennant, writing for CT, posted this article about the over use of love language with Christ.   Her most telling quote reveals the trouble with the over use of the love language of God:

But I have little patience for taking biblical metaphors too far and giving one’s relationship with God an air of irreverent chumminess.   Somehow, the scenario in which “his princess” shaves her legs for a date with Jesus seems to leave little room for fear of God.

And consider how unhelpful this misreading must be to single women who are hormonally awake. The cruel message they get is: If Jesus is really your husband, what’s your problem? Be satisfied!

All of these confused notions of love are related.  Christians have turned the scriptures that speak about marriage into a promise.  What is often misunderstood is that scripture gives a picture of what marriage and love looks like in Genesis, Ephesians, and 1 Peter (to name a few).

The issue here is that the symbols that are employed by scripture cannot be carried outside their perspective intent.  When we say that the bride of Christ is the church, we mean that God is loving drawing us to him.  We are intended for a loving relationship with God, and not an erotic one.

Part of the reason for this mix up is our one word for love.  In Greek, there are at least four words for love.  C.S. Lewis in his book, The Four Loves gives some insight to what these loves are:

  1. storgē: a natural affection, like the love between a mother and child.
  2. agápē:  refers to a general affection rather than the attraction
  3. philia:   friendship, or “brotherly love”
  4. érōs: often is a passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.

God desires that people join together in marriage.  Clearly, he has designed humans to love one another in several ways, but God  reserved marriage for the ideal picture of a man and woman: that they join together in monogamy.  Now, whether or not we are good at marriage is another topic.  It is understandable that Christian singles become frustrated when they do not find that happy someone.  Christian marriage is often presented to be perfect and utopian.   Also, the frustration occurs because we think that we have to find the one person who God “set us up with.”  Instead of trying to figure out the mind of God, it is more helpful to understand that God foreknows who we will marry (if we do marry).

Fear not, you will find that special someone.  And, you will know if the time is right.

Tennant ends her article with this thought that I ask you consider:

The Bible is replete with breathtaking metaphors that hint at God’s love for us. Thank God, we don’t always take them to illogical ends: I’ve never heard a preacher take the Good Shepherd image to mean that God raises his children to ultimately kill and eat them.  So, yes, in addition to being the Shepherd, the Bread of Life, and the Vine, Jesus is, poetically speaking, the Bridegroom. And we—the church—are his bride.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll be getting into my wedding gown anytime soon. Not that it would fit.

Are you an associate, assistant, or senior pastor? Does your church have associate ministers? Get a copy of my book, The Work of the Associate Pastor (Judson Press). This valuable resource will set associates and churches up for success.

Comments

20 Comments

  • Reply onlyseano August 21, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Also, if you look at what Paul says in the Bible, it is better for Christians to stay single.

  • Reply Alan Rudnick August 21, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    True… good reference. Thanks for your comment.

  • Reply Jimmie September 17, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Psalm 37:4 promises “Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” A spouse should just be a desire and not a need. Your true delight needs to be the Lord. It all starts with him. It kinda like the promise in Matthew 6:33: “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

  • Reply Alan Rudnick September 22, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    So if I’m faithful and I desire a new Hummer God will give it to me?

    • Reply chris wright March 28, 2012 at 5:43 am

      …but not a gas card 😉

  • Reply Paul October 20, 2009 at 12:54 am

    Proverbs. 18.22. : “whosoever findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord. “

  • Reply Alan Rudnick October 20, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Proverbs are a book of general sayings, and not promises.

  • Reply Gilles December 18, 2009 at 2:30 am

    You said Proverbs are not a promises? What about this, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

    • Reply Alan Rudnick December 18, 2009 at 10:17 am

      I said it was a book of wise sayings… general truths, but not a book of promises. Don’t always take the descriptive for the prescriptive in the Bible. What I trust in God and stay faithful to him praying that my house will not foreclosed, but it does foreclose.

  • Reply Gilles December 18, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    Of course God is sovereign in his actions towards us. He knows what is best for us, and will grant us what is best for us at the right time. Consider the life of Job. His creed was that God bless those who are just but all he got is desolation. What he got does not change anything in the fact that God is not a man that can lie. And Job was vindicated later at the end. The promises of God will come at the right moment. I trust in God and stay faithful to Him praying that my house will not forecloses, but it does foreclose… One year later I bought a better house at a great prize! Did God fulfill His promises?
    There’s God’s promises for a woman in Genesis 2:18. I bet you don’t believe that either!

  • Reply Alan Rudnick December 19, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Let’s not miss the point of taking the descriptive for the prescriptive in the Bible. Just because God says that it is good for a man to leave his parents for a wife does not mean we all get a wife.

    Again, where does it explicitly state in the Bible God promises EVERYONE a spouse? No where. Sure, the Bible states that God give us the desires of our heart, but what happens when our desires are not God’s desires?

    Also, Paul tells us that is good for the unmarried to remain unmarried. So, we can see that not everyone is promised a spouse.

  • Reply Tab December 21, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Well, God promised me a husband! I heard the audible voice of God say ” I present to you your husband” then the man walked in the door. It was the most spiritual experience I had ever encountered.

    It’s not written that God promises you a spouse in the Bible, but he will make personal promises to you.

    • Reply Jamela July 4, 2013 at 9:20 pm

      So are you married to him, then? Sometimes we assume that vivid experiences are from God. I once was friends with a Christian girl who swore that she saw her husband in a vision that God had given her. The man she saw in the vision was another friend of mine. He’s now engaged to another woman, and I don’t see any signs of them slowing down… And not to mention that she’s now happy with someone else!

  • Reply James March 21, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I find it hard not to view Genesis 2:18 as a promise of a spouse for those who seek the Lord. What does it say, “And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” and later in Psalm 34:10, “The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].” If it is not good that man should be alone then it is good that he have a spouse and if he seeks the Lord he shall not want any good thing; there ya go, slam dunk promise.

    Also, let me preempt any argument about Genesis 2:18 being directed only to Adam by pointing out that just a few verses later in Genesis 2:24 God gives the remedy for ‘It is not good that man should be alone,’ namely, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Adam had no mother and father to leave so this verse is for all men.

    Respectfully,
    James

  • Reply chris wright March 28, 2012 at 5:53 am

    coming from a very dysfunctional family that is morally bankrupt when it comes to family and marriage, i so wanted a wife and children badly since the age of 16. i ruined every relationship that i was in because of the examples that i had with immoral behavior and sin. after deciding to be single and straighten my life out, i prayed and prayed for a good mate. over 20+ years of being desirous to have a family. i asked for forgiveness many times for mistreating the gifts that God gave me in the past in women. i thought that i was being punished for my ways and sins. after a few years of being single and self evaluation and penance, i found Donna. ONLINE. because i was too afraid to actually go out and meet someone. thinking that it would be another failure. so clicked the mouse and hoped. I will never stray. the journey has been so long and dirty. I thank God everyday for my wife and family.

    I truly believe that God will find you a spouse if you are righteous and deserving of one.

    • Reply Alan Rudnick March 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

      Chris, thank you for sharing your story and your journey. Much of my blog post is centered around the misinterpretation of bridal theology in the Bible. Our faithfulness to listening and following God is key in finding our mate. God calls some to marriage and others to celibacy, as Paul wrote.

  • Reply so very true April 5, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    i just want to say that i hope that god will make me meet the right woman for me, and have a family as well. i am a straight man that had been married at one time, and was a very caring and loving husband before she cheated on me. i never cheated on her because i was the one woman man when we met, and i was committed to her till the end. i loved her so very much, and i would have thought that i was going to have a family with her. but that never happened. now when i go out, i seem to meet the very nasty women with their rotten attitude. there are just too many LOW LIFE WOMEN nowadays, which makes it a lot harder to meet GOOD WOMEN. i hope that i will have GOD’S blessing, to meet a good woman for me this time around. good luck to all, PEACE.

  • Reply Madeline April 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    But what if you don’t believe you are called to Celibacy, and after over 10 years in Church or with all the “Christians” online, there is simply no one who took any interest who was even remotely suitable…does that mean I have to remain celibate, lonely and on the shelf by default? Meanwhile all the married people in Church look at you like a leper and the wives all think you’re out to poach their husbands? Thus meaning I cannot find a partner or even make any friends because of this…

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